Real

So sitting in the car with my grandma was very interesting. Well to say the very least. Lol as I talked on the phone with friends my grandma wanted to add her two sense into the conversation not knowing what was going on. Came to find out we drove 3 1/2 hours to pick up my uncle so he could get out of the damn house! Ridiculous!!! But on my way over to Lake Elsinore aka the middle of nowhere, my Grama ask “what happened with the porn star” from then on it was a constant reminder and listening to Adele didn’t help! But in time I’ll move on…

The barriers of my open emotions and the problems that lead when I want to have a relationship with someone is quite overwhelming and somewhat depressing. It takes over my mind and body as if not only drains me mentally but physically. I guess the only real problem here is the acceptance of ME. Getting To the point, over and over again I find myself being Mr. Nice Guy to anyone and everyone. With such regard it only leads to countless struggles with whom I am where I want to be. Most people I find who do this seem to want to be apart of something or invited into different groups and/ or chain of people. As for myself I have no problem with this but that I’m simply a nice person trying to help others out. I guess that I just feel this emptiness, a void; and I feel like my soul-mate would help to complete my life and give it true meaning. I’ve fought depression over the past three-four years, I’ve gone through plenty of medications, been through one hell of an emotional roller coaster, and I’ve reached a calmer point in the journey. The depression definitely became a barrier to a healthy relationship;

It comes to a point where I must say enough is enough. With supposed friends and true friends telling me the same thing of I will find someone in due time, that time for me has came and gone. Though I am sure by now I am destined to be alone i still end up developing “crushes” with troublesome paradox’s. I am scared of relationships yet I so desperately yearn to love that “ONE” and hopefully find my soul-mate, if that ONE even exists. In an attempt to prevent myself from falling into emotional stress and worry, I try to avoid any type of situation that could even remotely lead to a relationship and when I do all hell breaks loose. My attempt at happiness & love is always ruled by others and not myself.